I think I'm going to make it...

While I sit here waiting on the trick-or-treaters, I thought I would update the ol' blog with what's been going on with me this past week. First of all, 5 days ago, I wasn't even going to be handing out candy tonight. I didn't think I was going to be able to handle all the adorable kids coming to the door in their costumes. But I think I've come a long way since Tuesday.

Tuesday was a pretty bad day. I cried a little but I think I was mostly just in shock. I didn't sleep very much and when I would doze off, I would wake up and realized what had happened that day and just start crying again.

Wednesday was pretty bad. I cried constantly all day. Hard crying too. Where I would just curl up in a ball and not be able to shake it. And when I eventually quit crying, I would sit there in a daze. The tv was on all day but I didn't watch one minute of it. My boss had called me on Tuesday to let me know that I could take as much time as I needed. And on Tuesday, I honestly thought I would be ok to go into work on Wednesday. I'm so happy I didn't because there is no way!

I got up Thursday ready to just get the D&C over with. I think I was more angry than upset that morning. I was mad that they were going to take my babies from me and that I was never going to see them again. That was the hardest part for me. I know it sounds weird, but even though they were dead, I wanted them to stay inside me because that was the only way I was going to be able to hold them and they were still mine. But when they were gone, they would be gone forever and I would never get to meet them. It's hard to explain and the only way to understand it is if you've been through it. Those babies were a part of me and I felt like I had failed them and let them down. They were missing something that I couldn't provide them and that's why their hearts stopped.

The wait at the hospital for the D&C seemed to last forever. The doctor finally showed up and talked to us for a few minutes. He did tell us that since they were identical, more than likely what happened was that if one was missing a chromosome (I think you are supposed to have 26 or is it 46? I never really paid much attention during science class!), then the other baby was missing the same chromosome because they were made up of the exact same DNA. And certain missing or abnormal chromosomes could lead to them not developing or living past a certain point. Hopefully this will all be explained more when we get the genetic testing back from the babies. And then I was off to be put under. The whole procedure only took about 10 minutes and then the doctor went in to tell David that everything went good and that there were no issues. I came out of it pretty quickly and was awake when they rolled me back into the room where David was waiting for me. I had to stay there for a little while and then I was able to get dressed and we were free to go. I was in an ok mood, but now looking back at it, I think I was still on some happy medicine or something because I felt ok enough to call 2 people at my work and my mom to talk to them about the babies and I did it without crying. I was starving because I hadn't really eaten anything the two days before so that made me feel better too. I thought I was going to be able to handle everything pretty well.

Then Friday happened and I was right back to where I was on Wednesday. Constantly crying all day long, no appetite. Angry and mad at the world. David urged me to get out and go do something, but I didn't want to see anyone, especially little happy families, and I didn't want anyone to see me and my puffy eyes and swollen red face. And I wasn't prepared to deal with what would happen if I just broke out and started crying in public which was highly likely of happening.

Saturday, I woke up, put on a different pair of sweatpants, made my hair a little presentable, but I still didn't attempt any make-up and I was determined to go out and get some doughnuts. David wanted to go with me because he had been stuck in the house with me since Tuesday. We were almost there and David said one little thing and it set me off. I was defensive and really angry at him. That ruined my whole mood and as soon as I got back home, I was back in my bed crying. A few hours went by and I sucked it up and went outside to where he was working on putting a shed together in the backyard and sat out there with him. I think I realized that he had something to focus on (the shed, his work, etc.). I had nothing and it was all I could think about. For the last 8 weeks, I had focused on these babies and planning everything and reading and just thinking about them and only them. I was now left with nothing. I needed a project that was my own, just for me. So I became obsessed with redoing stuff in the house. I have now planned out 4 different projects I want to accomplish. My first project is going to be my bathroom and I can't wait to get it started. It's only changing the paint, but I'm going to be creative with it and add a few accents. I'll post all about it when I get it finished.

Today has been a lot better. I've only cried once which was this morning and that's a big step. I'm afraid of going back to work tomorrow and facing all of those people that know what's happened and have them look at me with a sad face, like "poor Tara". And also dread talking to my friends at work that I know are going to come in to hug me and I'm sure that will make me cry. I know they are just being supportive and it's me just being overly emotional. I plan on taking my make up bag with me because I know it will have to be redone at least one time tomorrow. A good thing is that since I missed 3 1/2 days of work this past week and it's our busy time, I'm going to have a lot of work to do and it will hopefully keep my mind off of everything.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. It doesn't seem fair especially because of everything we've already gone through. But I know we will make it through this. I've struggled with the feeling of wishing I hadn't become pregnant if I knew I would have to go through this and then remembering how happy it made me and that I'm glad that I got to experience those babies even though it was just for a short time. They will always be a part of me and I will think about them for the rest of my life. I will always wonder what they would have been like and what it would have been like to have identical twin children.

But, like I said, we will make it through this and we will eventually have our baby one day. But, I've decided that we will go through the process of trying on our own, when we are ready. I really appreciated all of the support we got when I detailed every doctor's appointment, every IUI, every 2 week wait, every failed pregnancy test with everyone. But it did add a lot of pressure. So, the next time you hear about babies from me, we will probably be announcing if it's a boy or a girl. I'll probably wait as long as possible to make sure everything is perfect and we aren't at risk of what we've just been through. I hope you all understand.

By the way, we've only had one group of trick-or-treaters! Who's going to eat all of this candy?!?!?

Worst news ever

We found out that we lost both babies today at our appointment. Neither baby had a heart beat and when he measured them, Baby A was only at 10 weeks 4 days and Baby B was at 10 weeks 1 day. So it happened shortly after our last appointment.

I have a D&C (where they go in and remove the babies and everything from the uterus) scheduled for this Thursday. And then the babies will be sent off for genetic testing to see what possibly happened. We also found out today that they were mono-dy twins, which meant they were in fact identical.

This is extremely devastating news for us and right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. We got our hopes up so high and made so many plans and this just crushed both of us. I know we will make it through this but it's going to be pretty hard for a while. I can't stop crying, my eyes are swollen and stinging and my head hurts. But David has been right by my side since we got the news and he's being the best husband ever.

Thank you all so much for your support. Your texts, cards, and flowers have meant so much to me, you couldn't possibly understand.

12 weeks

I'm so proud to say that I'm 12 weeks today! My appointment isn't until tomorrow though so I don't have any new doctor's updates right now but will post it tomorrow after the appointment.
I'm a little anxious about this appointment though because several people that have either gone to this same doctor or another doctor in the same practice all found out what they were having at either 12 or 13 weeks! So that means we can find out any time now!

Pregnancy Highlights:
How Far Along: 12 Weeks
Size of babies: 2.4 inch long
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 6.8 lbs
Maternity Clothes: Not yet, they are still a little big, but my regular clothes are getting too tight. I've been using the belly band all the time.
Gender: Can't wait to find out!
Movement: I SWEAR I felt something last week when I laid down to go to bed. I felt a flutter and then stayed super still to try to see if I felt it again, but I didn't. It was something I've never felt before and I just know it was the babies!
Sleep: I can't get enough of it!
What I miss: This week, Coca Cola and coffee
Cravings: Lately, Cheetos and anything sweet but I crave sweet stuff all the time anyway.
Symptoms: a little heartburn and alot tired.
Best Moment this week: Feeling what I thought was a flutter and making it to the 12 week mark!

Good Weekend

Friday night we stayed in and David grilled out. I was still recovering from my week long cold that I couldn't take anything for, and I just wanted to rest.

Saturday, I slept in and laid around the house a little while David played in a soccer tournament in Tulsa. I got a little bit of house cleaning done and then I had to get ready to go out on the town. We haven't gone out on a Saturday night in forever! I slapped on my face paint, fluffed my hair and tried desperately to find something to wear that fit me! I hate this in between normal clothes and maternity clothes time!

We met some friends downtown to eat and then we went to the Blue Collar Comedy Tour at the BOK center.

Yep, that's Jeff Foxworthy. It was a whole arena full of rednecks! But it was very funny and we had a really good time. Thanks Jackson and Jocelyn for inviting us!

This is a picture of David laughing at the the comedian. I wish I would have gotten one when he was laughing so hard his eyes were watering. I love it when he REALLY laughs, hard. I think it's so cute and it makes me laugh really hard. I think I might have laughed more at him that night then I did at the comedians. It was really good to get out and spend that kind of time with each other. It made me realize we need to do those things more often, especially before the babies come because it won't be so easy after they're here. But the good news is that we will get to spend a different kind of time together when they are here and I can't wait!

By the way...I'm 12 weeks today!!!! I'm so excited and relieved that we've all made it this far. Now it feels real...like NOW we are pregnant and we can celebrate! (Well, I'll celebrate after my appointment tomorrow goes good and I know every one's ok!) I'll do my 12 week post later today after I get my belly shots.

What to do?

David has 2 free flights anywhere Southwest flies, but one of the flights has to be used by December 21st or we lose it. So does anyone have any suggestions on places to go if you could go for free between now and December 21st? I thought about going to New York to see the Christmas tree, but the hotels are so expensive and we are only wanting to spend a max of $500-$600 total on the hotel part. There are cheaper ones there but they are so far away from everything and I'll be about 5 1/2 months pregnant and not able to walk 17 blocks or so.

I also thought of the cheesy idea of going to LA/Hollywood since that place just amazes me that it exists with so many celebrities in one place. But I have no idea what we would do when we got there except going to see the walk of fame or the Hollywood sign or driving down the Pacific Coast Highway looking at the ocean.

Does ANYONE have any suggestions for a quick 3-4 day or night trip anywhere in the US and maybe some suggestions on what to see there? Keep in mind...I'll be 5 1/2 months pregnant with twins!

Update: I think we are considering a cruise! We would be using our free flights to fly to the port. I'm excited to even think about it. We've never been on one before so I welcome people's suggestions!

Fall Decorations

I'm slacking in this department! I love decorating, I just don't know how to do it very well. And I told myself that I would buy just a little bit each year, or buy a bunch of stuff after the season when everything goes on sale. I've said that for 5 years now and have NEVER done it! I've already moved on the thinking about the next holiday that I can't bring myself to buy stuff that I won't be able to use for another year!
And currently, I've been focused on buying clothes that fit my expanding body and saving up for big things like nursery furniture, that I can't justify spending alot on fall decorations. So, this is all that I'm left with and I'm ok with it. Simple.

I found this pumpkin at Kirkland's and there were only 3 in the store and one was a "D". So of course I had to get it.

I also got this wreath at Kirklands. I wanted the really pretty ones at Hobby Lobby but they are between $50-$100 and I will NOT pay that to hang a bunch of sticks and fake leaves and pumpkins on my door! So this one I paid $14.99 will work just fine!

Oh! And I wish I would have gotten a closer picture of the wreath holder because it even has a little "D" monogram on it! Also from Kirkland's. And the broom was up in teh attic with some of our old halloween decorations that I'm just not feeling this year, so I threw that out there too. Maybe one day I will invest a little bit more money in a nicer wreath or attempt to make my own, but this works for me now.

I wish I could put a sign out in the front yard that says "Excuse the lack of fall decor...we are expecting twins here people!"

Guiliana and Bill

I don't think I can make it through an episode of Guiliana and Bill without crying. I don't know if anyone else has ever seen the show on Style, but if you know me, you know how I love all things reality TV!
Guiliana and Bill are struggling with infertility and last season, they even went through an IUI process just like we did. I related so much with what she is going through. It's crazy to hear her say and think some of the same exact things I have said. Her and Bill have had the same conversations that David and I have had. I really feel some kind of crazy connection to them because theirs is the only situation I have seen that is a lot like ours. And I feel like I'm reliving all of it when I'm watching the show. This season, they are going through with IVF and I think she does get pregnant but it ends in a miscarriage at around 9 weeks. So I don't know if I'm going to be able to watch that episode.

I don't want to be the girl that always talks about infertility, but it's a very important and sensitive topic with me and I'm happy that someone real on TV is sharing every part of their story like I feel I did with this blog and hopefully it helps someone else through it.

10 Weeks

I'm 10 weeks today and we had our appointment with the OB. We got the good news we've been hoping for...the babies are in their own separate sacs! Here is an ultrasound picture showing the membrane down the middle.

Along with the good news, we got some weird news. Baby A is measuring right on track at 10 weeks, but Baby B is only measuring at 9 weeks 1 day, 6 days behind. I think that can mean a few different things but one thing is that the doctor doesn't think they are identical. And that means that they might end up being 2 different sexes! So that's a little exciting. I'm not sure if he is just guessing or what he really thinks, but I'll feel more comfortable with the information I get when we go see the specialist.

This is a good picture of Baby A, head down. And you can see the little arm buds and leg buds. And it also has a little sneak peak of Baby B above it.

Baby B is noticeably smaller and this means a big difference in their heart rates.

This is Baby A's heart rate...169 beats per minute.

And this is Baby B's heart rate...132 beats per minute.
The doctor said this is nothing to worry about and completely normal. So we'll just wait and see what's in store at our next appointment in 2 weeks. Oh yeah, I'm so lucky that I get to see my babies every 2 weeks! Woohoo!

Here are my belly pics from today.

I tried not to slouch in this next one and it resulted in this...my back is way arched and my butt is sticking out. Oh well, I was tired and over it, so it her it is...

Pregnancy Highlights:
How Far Along: 10 Weeks
Size of baby: 1.2 inch long
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 5.5 lbs
Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but I did purchase a few pairs of maternity pants this week. Today I wore leggings and I was in comfy heaven all day!
Gender: Can't wait to find out!
Movement: I haven't felt any movement yet.
Sleep: I can't get enough of it!
What I miss: This week, Coca Cola
Cravings: Nothing specific, but if I hear someone mention something, I automatically have to have it.
Symptoms: a little heartburn and alot tired.
Best Moment this week: We got confirmation that both babies are still in there and in their own sacs. That's a big hurdle we were scared of.

Sad

This story broke my heart when I first heard about it and yesterday I broke down in tears last night when I heard the latest news. Leslie passed away yesterday morning.

http://lesliejoyevans.blogspot.com/

Like I said before, I knew who Leslie was from school, but I was not personally friends with her, so I was a little surprised with how quickly the tears came last night. It made me feel sad because of the fact that she was carrying twins just like I am. And it made me sad to think about her wanting to be a mother and having something that was supposed to be so happy go so wrong and end so sadly. And it made me feel sad for her husband who had just lost his first wife a few years ago and now Leslie. He lost 2 life partners within just a matter of years. How is that fair? It hurts my heart.

Last night, after I calmed down a little, I just sat and tried to think about my life right now. I finally got what I've wanted for so long, to be pregnant! And now I need to learn to sit back and enjoy it and be thankful every day for my blessings. I don't need to get worked up waiting to find out the sex, figuring out what the nursery is going to look like, deciding if we need to get a bigger car or not, and wondering if I will ever be able to accomplish breastfeeding two babies. I know all of that stuff will work itself out. But I just need to focus on the important stuff...my babies and my husband.

And...I just started crying again! Geez! Hormones!

Camera Fun

I haven't had my camera out in a while so the night before last, I dug it out, brushed the dust off of it and went outside with the dogs. I wanted to practice with the evening sun and this is all I came out with because the dogs just wanted to wrestle with each other the whole time instead of pose for me!

Uh oh...This looks a little scary! Peanut's going in for the attack!

He can hold his own against his little (big) brother!

Anniversary Gift

Our wedding anniversary was the day after we found out about the twins and David got me the best gift ever.
He went to Hallmark and got an Anniversary frame (that I don't have any recent pictures of us to put in it) and this...

It's taken me a while to post it on here because it just seemed too early and I didn't want to jinx it for some reason. Silly, I know, considering I'm talking about them all the time.

I have it sitting on my counter in the kitchen and I stare at it every day. I will eventually bring it up to work and put it on my desk when I know everything is ok with them and we are in a safer zone, like around week 12 or something. But, I thought I would share it with you all because I love it so much.

Please Pray for Leslie

This story breaks my heart and I cannot stop thinking about it. So many things about this hits close to home for me. I graduated with Leslie and knew of her, but was not personal friends with her. All I remember of her is how quiet and shy she seemed. Also, the story has to do with her and her twins, and that's tugging at my heart a lot. It really is amazing how quickly life can change.

Please keep Leslie and her family in your prayers.

http://lesliejoyevans.blogspot.com/

Baby Dream

I had my first baby dream last night. In my dream, I had just come out of recovery from my c-section (because I've already convinced myself that's how it's going to happen), and David walks in and tells me that we have 2 little...boys.

So we'll see if that means anything in about 8 weeks. I'm perfectly happy with either boys or girls. I just want to know either way so I can start on the nursery!