Friday, April 30, 2010
The blog I got it from had this statement with the link and I don't feel like I could say it any better because it's exactly my thoughts:
"If you are a family member or friend of mine please watch this. If you are fertile and want to know what it's like to be infertile please watch this. If you are infertile and want to know that someone is thinking exactly what you are thinking please watch this. It's four minutes and it speaks the mind of every infertile woman I know including myself. There are few words but it's so powerful."
I hope you all have a great weekend! Happy Friday!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
So the project is to create a post about one of the "what IF" topics they had listed. I couldn't really narrow it down to just one, so I decided that since it's MY blog, I can do more than one :)
#1) What if I never get to do all the things I've put on hold in my life for the "once I get pregnant..."
In the beginning, I would hold off on planning trips and stuff like that because I just assumed I would probably be pregnant and I wouldn't be able to, for example, go skiing or go to Vegas. So I would worry about wasting the money booking the trip and then not getting to go. Then that turned into, "well, I'll go ahead and book it and if I am pregnant, I will just find other things to do while I'm there and while everyone else is skiing".
I think I feel, in general, our lives have been put on some kind of hold. When all of our (my) focus is on dealing with this and thinking about this all the time and having to plan things around it, it just seems like we're standing still. I also can't work out or run like I want to because I'm too paranoid about it being too strenuous or something. That's really hard when you want to use exercise as a way to let out your frustrations!
#2) What if I never see that plus sign? What if this is it, waiting and hoping for the rest of my life?
From the beginning, I have dreamed about taking that test and seeing that line or plus sign. I think about the immediate excitement it would cause and then running and sharing the news with David. I've dreamed about clever ways I would tell him the news. But now I feel like I won't get to do that.
First of all, I won't be taking an at home pee test. I mean, I'm sure I could but after 2 1/2 years of spending too much money on tests that are always negative, I refuse to keep doing it every month. That little stick has kind of become my enemy! So with the IUIs, I have an appointment time to come in exactly 2 weeks after the insemination for a blood pregnancy test and then I wait for them to call me with the results that afternoon. I really think that if I ever get a positive result from the doctor, I will go buy an at home test just to be able to pee on it and see that line!
Also, since the blood tests are scheduled and we know when I'll get the results, I won't get to "surprise" David. And I won't get to surprise my family or friends because the people that are supporting us (thanks again!) are keeping somewhat track of my schedule and know when I get the results.
Even though I won't technically get to surprise David with the news, I still have something up my sleeve for that special time. And I can always do a surprise for the gender.
#3)What if I have to learn to live childfree with a smile...forever?
Several people have told me that I'm handling all of this so well and that I'm such a strong person. Well, those people don't get to see me 24 hours a day. I feel like I do put on a smile sometimes and act like everything's ok when it's not, just so I don't have to talk about it and break down in front of that person. So to me, this one makes me think about how I will be able to keep a smile forever. I can't let myself become this miserable person. I will have to get over this eventually, I'm just not sure how right now. I personally don't think I will be "childfree" forever. It will happen for us one way or another. But this is one thing you have to think about. And the books and articles and everything else always want you to ask yourself if your marriage would survive if you never had children and I know mine would.
So the last part of this project is to post a positive "what IF".
What if I finally get to see my baby for the first time?
I think I will just lose it! I will be so overcome with joy and excitement. I really look forward to that time David and I will get to go through together. I know this time will pass and we'll look back on how hard it was and it will just make us love our little one so much more :)
Here's a few links to give you a better understanding of infertility and the background of National Infertility Awareness Week:
Monday, April 26, 2010
On Friday night we went to the Hard Rock for a surprise birthday party for my friend Reagan. Even though it was supposed to be a surprise, she was the first one there! So we didn't get to yell "Surprise!". I had so much fun catching up. We haven't seen each other in so long but we always seem to pick right back up where we left off. I took a few pictures but they turned out so crappy so I have nothing to post. There are 2 reasons they looked so crappy...1)my double chin! and 2)my point and shoot always lets me down. I REALLY want a knew one so bad, but I can't even bring it up to David because I already know what he'll say, "you just got a really expensive camera, why do you need a new one?" Well, David, if you are reading this...I need a new point and shoot because I'm not going to lug around a HUGE camera every where I go. I need a decent little camera to keep in my person for these certain occasions.
I got to sleep in on Saturday and then we pretty much did nothing but lay around and watch tv. David was complaining about how we were just wasting the day away and I told him to get up and do something then! But he was passed out in his chair about 5minutes after that! Ha! I guess he didn't mind wasting the day away.
I got up yesterday morning and didn't really have a plan for the day. I knew I needed to clean the house a little but I really wasn't in the mood! I started picking up my closet because there was crap everywhere and it put me in a bad mood every time I walked in there. So I got it all cleaned up and switched my winter shoes out with my summer shoes and it looks so good! Then I just started cleaning everything like a maniac and when I was finished I had spent 5 hours cleaning! The thing that took the most time was my floors. I love hardwood floors but I HATE cleaning them. I decided it was time to strip them and get the wax build up off. I feel like it was a huge mistake and waste of time because they look the EXACT same as they did before I spent hours on them. Oh well, at least the rest of the house sparkled like new.
Oh...and after 5 days of constant cramping &/or bloating, I FINALLY feel back to normal!!! I told David that I'm convinced the other 2 IUIs were not done right because I didn't have any pain or cramping at all with them! So hopefully that's a good sign for this time!
Also, I want to say congratulations again to my friend Chelsea and Robby who took their brand new baby Bobby home from the hospital on Saturday. I can't wait to see him again!
Friday, April 23, 2010
My friend Chelsea had a perfectly healthy baby boy yesterday.
I only got to hold him for a few minutes. Chelsea and Robby have so much family that came for the birth and there was so much going on with her trying to nurse for the first time and I was in extreme pain and wanted to get home to curl up in a ball. So I plan on going back today for more Aunt Tara time.
After being in so much pain yesterday, today is a piece of cake. My stomach is feeling much better. Instead of cramping, it's more like a mixture of feeling bloated, feeling gasy (without the gas), and just feeling like there's a knot in my stomach. I can totally live with that compared to what I went through yesterday.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
But she did say that at my age, I should be getting pregnant within 3 or 4 IUI cycles and so if this one doesn't work, I for sure have to have the Laparoscopy done and then we will have to reevaluate our next move which could possibly be IVF.
So then we started the procedure and it was really starting to hurt. She said that my cervix had a slight curve in it for some reason and she couldn't get the catheter in! OMG! It was painful! She finally changed to a different kind of catheter and was able to get in there. But I've been cramping ever since! I went home and crashed for over 3 hours and woke up with horrible cramps. They lasted all through the night and I still have them right now. I almost called into work and I really have no idea why I didn't. I'm ok if I can just sit still, but I have trouble when I need to get up and walk somewhere. It's slow moving down the hall for me and I really don't want anyone to ask what's wrong with me. Only a few people here know what's going on, but I don't want every nosey pants getting in my business!
I don't have to go back for my progesterone blood test next week because my last 2 have been excellent. So I the next time I go back is in 2 weeks for the blood pregnancy test. I'm going to try my best to think positive thoughts but not get my hopes up too high!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Yesterday when I was at the doctor's office waiting on a nurse to give me my schedule for today, another nurse was waiting with me and saw me looking at my chart and she said something about how thick it was or something. Each month I go in, a nurse fills out this brown thick piece of paper that charts out my month schedule, when my appointments will be, when I need to start what medicine, what size my follicles are, etc. and since I have been in every month for the last 5 months, I had a thick little folder filled with brown paper. And then she said something about why is it so thick but I'm only on my 3rd IUI? And then she asked if I had cysts and I said yes. But THANK YOU VERY MUCH for pointing out how THICK my folder is! That is not good!
Wish us luck!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Right side: 31 mm & 22 mm
Left side: 17 mm & 27 mm
I don't really know if that's good news or not right now, because everything I've read always says good follicles are between around 20-24 mm, but that also depends on what kind of medication you're on. I'm afraid my two really big ones are going to ovulate and release an egg too soon. But we'll see.
The doctor didn't really act like it was a good thing or a bad thing. All she said was that there is a chance of multiples but that we were going to take that chance. This is the exact same thing that she said with the first IUI, so I'm not getting my hopes up.
So even though I don't understand if this is good or bad, it is different from my 2 previous cycles. So I think that's a good sign.
David goes in tomorrow morning at 10:30 to make his "deposit", and then I go back for the insemination at 12:00. Then it's home and bed rest for me!
Monday, April 19, 2010
This weekend I went down to my parent's lake house to help them get ready for their big move. They sold their house last week and are now packing up and heading to the lake. It rained the whole time and made me very sleepy. I can't wait until it's time to go to the lake when it's warm and sunny!
Yesterday we just ran a few errands that we had been putting off...taking the dogs to Petsmart to get their nails cut, buying Brutus his swimming pool for the summer (I'm hoping it'll get warm enough this week for us to put it out for him, but it's not looking that way), and a Home Depot trip. We intended on going to the gym yesterday, and we even made it as far as the gym parking lot. But I was sooooo irritable yesterday and had a bad headache off an on. I just told David that I couldn't do it right then. I needed to get home and just sit down.
I don't know if it's the Follistim that's causing the moodiness or what, but I'm ready for it to be over with (I'm sure David is too)! I had my first shot on Friday night. After reading the 20 page instruction book on how to put the thing together, it wasn't so bad. What it is is a thing that looks like a big ink pen. And I loaded it with a tube of the Follistim and then I have to attach disposable needles to it for each shot and then discard the needle after I take a shot. I dial the pen to the right dosage and then I pick a side of my belly and go for it. And then the pen is already loaded with the medicine for all of my shots for the rest of the 4 or 5 days my doctor wants me to take it. I'm completely used to taking shots now and it doesn't bother me at all, except the place around where I did my shot last night stayed pretty tender for the rest of the night. I remember when I first found out that I would have to be giving myself shots back with my first IUI in December and I seriously was doubting whether I could do it or not. But as soon as I got the first one over, it's no big deal.
I'm also really used to having my blood drawn. I used to get sick to my stomach every time I knew I was going to have to give blood for something. But now, I don't even think about it. I just sit down, roll up my sleeve, form a fist and let it go. They don't even have to talk me through it anymore...they used to have to tell me when to make a fist, when to hold the cotton ball, etc. Now, we just talk about the weather or weekend plans or our dogs.
The nurses at the fertility clinic are super nice. That does make it so much easier because I couldn't imagine having to go through this with bitchy women that get an attitude every time you ask them a question. I think they are all really sympathetic with everyone that walks through the door because they realize how difficult it is to be there. You can tell that everyone in the waiting room is pretty emotional and scared and just heartbroken. I honestly feel like crying every time I walk in there now. Not because of the people or anything, just because of what it represents. Just because I'm getting no results. And I think it just got worse when I realized a lot of the people that work there know me by my first name when I walk in. When I go check in, I don't have to say who I am anymore, they just say "Hi Tara" when I walk in the door. I thought that was really nice at first, but then I realized that it's a bad sign when they know you that well there. That means I'm spending too much time there and I should have been moved on already! At my last appointment, I wasn't charged for my office visit and my ultrasound for some reason. And I joked with the nurse that I must be getting the VIP treatment since I'm a regular around there.
I'm hoping this week goes perfect with our next insemination probably on Thursday. I go in tomorrow morning to see my progress with my follicles. Keep your fingers crossed for at least 3 or 4 big ones!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I start on the inject able medicine Follistim tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I went through Weston's pictures I took on Sunday and with the help of a little photo shop, I was able to get about 51 decent pictures. Not too bad. Now when I say decent, I mean they are not too bad to look at. They might not be technically correct, but they don't hurt your eyes to look at them :)
I do hate that the sun is glaring on him in half of him but I'll know better next time. Here are just a few I'm ok with showing to the public (Savannah-you'll get all of them soon).
I HATE how the sun is on half of his face in this one. But just keep in mind...this was my first try at this.
Again, the sun is on him, but it's a little better, right?
I did this one in black and white because I thought it looked so serious. He was such the little model. And I was trying to hide the sun on his face! Dangit!
And I think this one is my favorite right now. Notice that there is no sun on him? Finally...ugh! So annoying!
I also really like this one
I still have a long way to go. But I'm learning and I really liked the practice. I'm really close to getting my new lens though. I'm hoping that will help out a lot.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
This weekend was nice but a little busy. It started off with some sad news...my dad was taken to the emergency room because they thought he was having another stroke. But it turns out it was something called a TIA. And I understand it as a warning that a stroke might occur. So it's really good that they caught it early or something serious could have happened. These are the times I hate being 2 hours away.
I had my last photography class for this course on Saturday and it was kind of a waste of time. We just went over everyone's final assignment pictures for the whole 3 hours! I think I'm going to wait until the fall to take the next class. It's 6 weeks long and I don't know if I'm ready to commit myself with this nice weather! And I'm not really in any hurry anyway. It's not like it's for a degree or something, just a hobby.
Then my friend Sarah wanted to know if I wanted to take a few pictures of her son Jaxon. It was a little bit of a challenge because he just wanted to visit with the puppies the whole time and he wasn't really in the mood. Thank goodness because I feel like I totally blew it and couldn't get one good picture.
That just made me more nervous for Sunday when I was supposed to take pictures of my friend Savannah's little boy Weston. This time was different though because we did it at the Will Rogers Memorial and it was really pretty out there and there were several different spots to take pictures. I still felt like I blew it because everything turned out blury. I think this is 1)I had another setting wrong on my camera, 2) my lens completely sucks and it just makes me want a new one even more, and 3) I learend that I should not be shooting out in the direct sunlight. I'm glad I had the practice though because it really helped me realize what I need to work on.
Thanks again to my friends that let me practice on their little ones! I'm hoping some of the pictures turn out ok! I might post some I don't feel too embarrassed about!
Friday, April 9, 2010
I had an appointment this afternoon where they did an ultrasound to check to see if the cysts had all disappeared. I still have one tiny cyst on my right side but she said that it's so small and that it doesn't really count, so we can go ahead with the IUI this month. That was good news, because honestly, I don't think I could have handled having to skip another month without having a meltdown right there in the office.
So I start the first set of meds this Sunday. I take those pills for 5 days and then move on to the injections for 4 days. Then I will go back for another ultrasound to check my follicles on the 20th. The doctor will also determine when I will need to take the tigger shot and when we come back for the insemination. But more then likely the insemination will be on the 22nd.
I asked the nurse (I feel like I never get to see the actual doctor) what's the plan if this one doesn't work because there is only so much I can take. I mean, in the last 6 months, I've had 2 failed IUIs and I've had the disappointment of having to "skip" 3 months because of cysts. This is extremely hard and I just need to see the light at the end...
Anyway, she said that the next step is to have a procedure called Laparoscopy. This is a minor out patient surgery done at the hospital where they put me out and go in through my belly button with a scope to look at my insides. They look for anything that all of the ultrasounds and other tests have not found.
I pushed a little further to find out what's after that. More IUIs? When can we just move on to IVF (Invitro)? She said that the doctor usually schedules a post op appointment where she will discuss our options and tells us what she thinks the next best step would be. And this is where we could also just decide to move on to IVF. I'm glad that she let me know that it's a decision that we can make instead of having to wait for the doctor to decide it's time. She also said that if we decided to go on to IVF, we would have a really high chance of conceiving because even when they know what's wrong with someone, they usually have about a 50% chance with IVF, and since they can't find anything obviously wrong with us, our chance would probably be around 70%. So that's really good and that make me just want to skip to that. But then I had to ask how much the IVF costs without any insurance coverage, just so I could prepare myself for the worst (and I'm about 98% sure my insurance doesn't cover any part of it). And for one round of IVF, it's $14,000. The the cost of a small car!
We do have an option to be able to pay for it that David and I have discussed together if it comes down to the IVF. But I really think I would just die if it still didn't work after we paid $14,000! And that's not even counting everything else we have already spent in the last year on this stuff.
But, I really can't think about that right now. I just have to focus on what we're going through this month and hope this new medicine does the trick. That's all I can do.
In the mean time...Here are some pictures of the dogs that I've edited with my iphone app, TiltShiftGen...since I don't have any real photo editing software :)
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The other night I went into the laundry room to put some stuff in the dryer and this is how I found Peanut...
I thought it was so funny! I couldn't stop laughing. And even with me coming in there and turning the light on and laughing out loud, he still didn't budge. I'm so glad he didn't because it gave me a chance to run and get my camera. He looked like a dead beetle or something that got stuck on his back with his legs in the air! And he's so funny how he tucks himself into his blanket. He loves his blankie so much, he can't sleep without it.
I also forgot to post about how I won the wife of the day award last Friday. I surprised David with his Easter present a few days early...
I got him new golf clubs that he's been wanting and I totally surprised him with the golf bag. I think it's so cute! He said it's the best present he's ever got!
Monday, April 5, 2010
This is our nephew, Walker, and David's cousins' little girls, Annie Kate and Charley.
The kiddos waiting to go outside to start the hunt.
This hunting for Easter eggs was serious business!
This is our newest nephew, Jagger.
This picture is not the best quality (I'm struggling with my indoor pictures), but I thought it was so cute.
So I'm available to take pictures of anyone! I need the practice :)!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
But for now, I want to share some pictures of Easter past. My mom sent me some Easter pictures from when I was little.
Yep, that's me rockin the bonnet and munchin on a Peep. I have no idea who the other girls are.
Me & my cousin
Here I am sitting so lady like.
Working on a chocolate bunny.
There are so many things wrong with this picture. I think all of those peeps and chocolate bunnies caught up with me. What a chunk!
Do you like my hat? Why am I sitting so close to the tv?!?
Me & my brother
Saturday, April 3, 2010
These pictures were taken while I was messing with my Aperture Mode. The first 2 pictures are of the same thing, I just focused on different parts with each picture.
This one was taken with my Shutter Priority Mode. The faster shutter speed freezes motion.
This picture of the water was also taken with the Shutter Priority. See how the action of the water is fozen? I was so excited that I actually did this!
And of course I practiced on Brutus when I got home...
I love the expression on his face here. Also, I took this one inside! With no flash! I had all of the blinds open and the lights on and I adjusted my white balance and ISO and I think it looks pretty good!
He has a boo boo on his lip... poor guy.
Friday, April 2, 2010
When we lived in Mississippi, we would go over to my grandparents house and/or an aunts house and hunt Easter eggs. I don't remember there being money in them like there are these days. I think most of them were empty or had jelly beans in them.
I also remember always having our pictures professionally done for Easter. It was always just me and my brother, never the whole family. I don't remember having our pictures taken any other time during the year. Just Easter.
I remember dying Easter eggs when I got older. I don't remember what we did with them after we dyed them because it seems like we always just hunted the plastic ones. And we started getting eggs with change in them too when I got older.
I also remember the Easter Bunny leaving gifts for us like Santa did. That was so exciting to me because I knew it was really my mom doing and I just couldn't wait to see what she picked out for me. It was usually a basket full of candy and a small gift like a new shirt or jewelry or something like that. I still got Easter gifts until I moved out of the house. I might have even gotten some my first few years of college when I would come home for the weekend. The Easter Bunny doesn't come see me anymore :(
I can't wait to have a little person of my own to dress up for Easter pictures, dye Easter eggs with, take on Easter Egg hunts, and surprise them with Easter Bunny gifts.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
First, I took a few pictures of Peanut right before bedtime. The dogs had just settled in and they wanted no part of this! You will notice I have no pictures of Brutus and this is because he was laying on his bed with his head hanging off the side and his big jowls (sp?) were hanging open and he was already fast asleep snoring and it was not a pretty picture.
I was proud of myself because I didn't automatically turn the flash on because I was inside. I adjusted my ISO to what I think was the right setting. Granted, the light was on, but usually the pictures are still dark inside even with a light on, or the color is distorted.
Please pay no attention to his over grown nails...we haven't made it to the groomer in a while!
Then I went into the bedroom where there was way less light. Only a little lamp was turned on by the bed. I took a few pictures of my helpful, patient husband. Thank you for participating David.
I know these just look like normal pictures, nothing special. But to me it's a good thing! I am always getting so frustrated because I don't know what I'm doing wrong and why my pictures are fuzzy or dark or the color is weird. Now I'm understanding why all of those things happen and what I need to do to fix them.
Here are a few pictures that I've taken for my class. These are for the final project. It's a photo scavenger hunt and I was given a list of 19 items and I'm supposed to pick 15 to find and take pictures of. I don't know if these are going to be the ones I turn in but I thought I would at least try to start somewhere.
One of the items is to find a time piece. This is a clock on a church downtown and I thought it was pretty.
Another item was to find a flag and there is also one for finding a tall building. So I did both in the same picture, but you can barely see the flag on this one because the picture is so small on here.