What "IF"

This week happens to be National Infertility Awareness Week. And when I found this out, I was reading a blog (of course) and there was a posting about these projects people were doing during this week and one of them was called the "What 'IF'" project. "IF" in the infertility world and blog world is just an abbreviation for InFertility.

So the project is to create a post about one of the "what IF" topics they had listed. I couldn't really narrow it down to just one, so I decided that since it's MY blog, I can do more than one :)

#1) What if I never get to do all the things I've put on hold in my life for the "once I get pregnant..."

In the beginning, I would hold off on planning trips and stuff like that because I just assumed I would probably be pregnant and I wouldn't be able to, for example, go skiing or go to Vegas. So I would worry about wasting the money booking the trip and then not getting to go. Then that turned into, "well, I'll go ahead and book it and if I am pregnant, I will just find other things to do while I'm there and while everyone else is skiing".

I think I feel, in general, our lives have been put on some kind of hold. When all of our (my) focus is on dealing with this and thinking about this all the time and having to plan things around it, it just seems like we're standing still. I also can't work out or run like I want to because I'm too paranoid about it being too strenuous or something. That's really hard when you want to use exercise as a way to let out your frustrations!

#2) What if I never see that plus sign? What if this is it, waiting and hoping for the rest of my life?

From the beginning, I have dreamed about taking that test and seeing that line or plus sign. I think about the immediate excitement it would cause and then running and sharing the news with David. I've dreamed about clever ways I would tell him the news. But now I feel like I won't get to do that.

First of all, I won't be taking an at home pee test. I mean, I'm sure I could but after 2 1/2 years of spending too much money on tests that are always negative, I refuse to keep doing it every month. That little stick has kind of become my enemy! So with the IUIs, I have an appointment time to come in exactly 2 weeks after the insemination for a blood pregnancy test and then I wait for them to call me with the results that afternoon. I really think that if I ever get a positive result from the doctor, I will go buy an at home test just to be able to pee on it and see that line!

Also, since the blood tests are scheduled and we know when I'll get the results, I won't get to "surprise" David. And I won't get to surprise my family or friends because the people that are supporting us (thanks again!) are keeping somewhat track of my schedule and know when I get the results.

Even though I won't technically get to surprise David with the news, I still have something up my sleeve for that special time. And I can always do a surprise for the gender.

#3)What if I have to learn to live childfree with a smile...forever?

Several people have told me that I'm handling all of this so well and that I'm such a strong person. Well, those people don't get to see me 24 hours a day. I feel like I do put on a smile sometimes and act like everything's ok when it's not, just so I don't have to talk about it and break down in front of that person. So to me, this one makes me think about how I will be able to keep a smile forever. I can't let myself become this miserable person. I will have to get over this eventually, I'm just not sure how right now. I personally don't think I will be "childfree" forever. It will happen for us one way or another. But this is one thing you have to think about. And the books and articles and everything else always want you to ask yourself if your marriage would survive if you never had children and I know mine would.

So the last part of this project is to post a positive "what IF".

What if I finally get to see my baby for the first time?

I think I will just lose it! I will be so overcome with joy and excitement. I really look forward to that time David and I will get to go through together. I know this time will pass and we'll look back on how hard it was and it will just make us love our little one so much more :)

Here's a few links to give you a better understanding of infertility and the background of National Infertility Awareness Week:

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/takecharge