Friday, January 22, 2010

I'm having a bad day.

Today has been a "down" day for me. I don't know why but my emotions are really high today and I don't know how to get out of this funk. I've spent a lot of the day reading other people's blogs. Blogs that they started because they had infertility problems. I was searching for blogs like this because I needed to see someone having the same emotions and feelings that I have at this point. But every one I found had been updated because they finally got their baby, or in most cases because we're all dealing with fertility drugs, babies. And while it made me very hopeful to see that it did finally happen for these people and it gave me more reason to believe that it will one day also happen for us, I didn't want to read those blogs. I got the same amount of jealously towards them as I do for every other pregnant woman out there. I got the same "it's not fair" feeling that I've had for the last 2 years. Granted, I don't know these people. And if I did, I would probably be really happy for them because I understand how hard this is. But I don't know these people and I think maybe that's why the jealously is stronger than the happiness.

Another thing that was very frustrating to me was that I couldn't find one blog about anyone that had unexplained infertility like me. They all had explanations and reasons and this helped them and their doctors know exactly what steps needed to be taken. I want to read about someone that's been told over and over again that they can't find anything wrong and that their body is doing exactly what it's supposed to but they still don't know what's wrong. I would be happy to find this blog and see that this person did get pregnant and how they got pregnant. Was it through IUI or IVF or what? How many rounds did it take them? I want to read about someone else that had to sit out a month because the fertility meds caused a cyst. I want to read about how emotional all of the medicine made them. And I want to read about how they just get more frustrated when people tell them to "stay positive", "be patient",or "your time is coming, I just know it". I know people say those things because that's the natural thing to say and because people are trying to be supportive. I would be saying the same things to someone if things were different.

This has just felt like the longest month because we had to sit it out and just wait. There are only 2 months left to get pregnant to be able to have a baby in 2010 and it's starting to feel like our chances are pretty slim to be able to accomplish that. And I know that some people are going to say "it doesn't matter if you have a baby in 2010 as long as you get pregnant in 2010". But if you ask anyone that has been trying for as long as we have, it does matter. We've gone through two Christmas's that I thought for sure we would have a baby by the time the holiday came. It's very hard to have that day in your head all year long and then when that day comes and goes (twice now) and there has been no progress, then you are in the same place you were the year before. So naturally, I'm already wondering what this next Christmas is going to be like. Will we have our baby and be excited about the holidays and showing him/her off to our families? Or will I finally be pregnant and get to talk to everyone about how excited we are? Or will we still not have an answer?

I'm not trying to be negative or am I asking for sympathy. This blog is meant for me to express my thoughts throughout this process and that's all I'm doing. And I swear there won't be many like's just one of those days.

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