I think I'm going to make it...

While I sit here waiting on the trick-or-treaters, I thought I would update the ol' blog with what's been going on with me this past week. First of all, 5 days ago, I wasn't even going to be handing out candy tonight. I didn't think I was going to be able to handle all the adorable kids coming to the door in their costumes. But I think I've come a long way since Tuesday.

Tuesday was a pretty bad day. I cried a little but I think I was mostly just in shock. I didn't sleep very much and when I would doze off, I would wake up and realized what had happened that day and just start crying again.

Wednesday was pretty bad. I cried constantly all day. Hard crying too. Where I would just curl up in a ball and not be able to shake it. And when I eventually quit crying, I would sit there in a daze. The tv was on all day but I didn't watch one minute of it. My boss had called me on Tuesday to let me know that I could take as much time as I needed. And on Tuesday, I honestly thought I would be ok to go into work on Wednesday. I'm so happy I didn't because there is no way!

I got up Thursday ready to just get the D&C over with. I think I was more angry than upset that morning. I was mad that they were going to take my babies from me and that I was never going to see them again. That was the hardest part for me. I know it sounds weird, but even though they were dead, I wanted them to stay inside me because that was the only way I was going to be able to hold them and they were still mine. But when they were gone, they would be gone forever and I would never get to meet them. It's hard to explain and the only way to understand it is if you've been through it. Those babies were a part of me and I felt like I had failed them and let them down. They were missing something that I couldn't provide them and that's why their hearts stopped.

The wait at the hospital for the D&C seemed to last forever. The doctor finally showed up and talked to us for a few minutes. He did tell us that since they were identical, more than likely what happened was that if one was missing a chromosome (I think you are supposed to have 26 or is it 46? I never really paid much attention during science class!), then the other baby was missing the same chromosome because they were made up of the exact same DNA. And certain missing or abnormal chromosomes could lead to them not developing or living past a certain point. Hopefully this will all be explained more when we get the genetic testing back from the babies. And then I was off to be put under. The whole procedure only took about 10 minutes and then the doctor went in to tell David that everything went good and that there were no issues. I came out of it pretty quickly and was awake when they rolled me back into the room where David was waiting for me. I had to stay there for a little while and then I was able to get dressed and we were free to go. I was in an ok mood, but now looking back at it, I think I was still on some happy medicine or something because I felt ok enough to call 2 people at my work and my mom to talk to them about the babies and I did it without crying. I was starving because I hadn't really eaten anything the two days before so that made me feel better too. I thought I was going to be able to handle everything pretty well.

Then Friday happened and I was right back to where I was on Wednesday. Constantly crying all day long, no appetite. Angry and mad at the world. David urged me to get out and go do something, but I didn't want to see anyone, especially little happy families, and I didn't want anyone to see me and my puffy eyes and swollen red face. And I wasn't prepared to deal with what would happen if I just broke out and started crying in public which was highly likely of happening.

Saturday, I woke up, put on a different pair of sweatpants, made my hair a little presentable, but I still didn't attempt any make-up and I was determined to go out and get some doughnuts. David wanted to go with me because he had been stuck in the house with me since Tuesday. We were almost there and David said one little thing and it set me off. I was defensive and really angry at him. That ruined my whole mood and as soon as I got back home, I was back in my bed crying. A few hours went by and I sucked it up and went outside to where he was working on putting a shed together in the backyard and sat out there with him. I think I realized that he had something to focus on (the shed, his work, etc.). I had nothing and it was all I could think about. For the last 8 weeks, I had focused on these babies and planning everything and reading and just thinking about them and only them. I was now left with nothing. I needed a project that was my own, just for me. So I became obsessed with redoing stuff in the house. I have now planned out 4 different projects I want to accomplish. My first project is going to be my bathroom and I can't wait to get it started. It's only changing the paint, but I'm going to be creative with it and add a few accents. I'll post all about it when I get it finished.

Today has been a lot better. I've only cried once which was this morning and that's a big step. I'm afraid of going back to work tomorrow and facing all of those people that know what's happened and have them look at me with a sad face, like "poor Tara". And also dread talking to my friends at work that I know are going to come in to hug me and I'm sure that will make me cry. I know they are just being supportive and it's me just being overly emotional. I plan on taking my make up bag with me because I know it will have to be redone at least one time tomorrow. A good thing is that since I missed 3 1/2 days of work this past week and it's our busy time, I'm going to have a lot of work to do and it will hopefully keep my mind off of everything.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. It doesn't seem fair especially because of everything we've already gone through. But I know we will make it through this. I've struggled with the feeling of wishing I hadn't become pregnant if I knew I would have to go through this and then remembering how happy it made me and that I'm glad that I got to experience those babies even though it was just for a short time. They will always be a part of me and I will think about them for the rest of my life. I will always wonder what they would have been like and what it would have been like to have identical twin children.

But, like I said, we will make it through this and we will eventually have our baby one day. But, I've decided that we will go through the process of trying on our own, when we are ready. I really appreciated all of the support we got when I detailed every doctor's appointment, every IUI, every 2 week wait, every failed pregnancy test with everyone. But it did add a lot of pressure. So, the next time you hear about babies from me, we will probably be announcing if it's a boy or a girl. I'll probably wait as long as possible to make sure everything is perfect and we aren't at risk of what we've just been through. I hope you all understand.

By the way, we've only had one group of trick-or-treaters! Who's going to eat all of this candy?!?!?