Thursday, October 10, 2013

Time to be Honest

Toddlers are hard.
Two Toddlers are REALLY hard...almost all the time.
I'm just going to be honest here...When the twins were babies, I felt like I needed to have it all together. I needed to prove to everyone that I can do this and that I can do this easily. I'm not sure why I had that need. I don't know if it's because more eyes are on you with twins because everyone is fascinated with them, or if it's because I had wanted these babies for so long that I felt like everyone was going to see how I was as a mother now that I had what I wanted. I don't really know. I fully admit that I am a perfectionist and that I have high expectations for pretty much everything in my life. So maybe I just expected my experience as a mother to be perfect.
Even though I was pretending to have it all together, the reality was that I was just trying to survive each day. In the very beginning, I was living on very little sleep. When you have one baby, you sleep when that baby sleeps. That's when you get your rest. Well, when you have two babies that are very different, they never napped at the same time. So I was getting no sleep during the day. I constantly had a baby to take care of or soothe. Don't get me wrong, I loved having my babies in my arms, but people need to sleep to function! So when the twins were 5 weeks old, I decided something had to be done to get them on the same napping schedule. I studied and read every chance I got, mainly when I was breastfeeding. I found and followed Baby Wise and it was the best decision ever. It wasn't long until they were napping together and I was resting, just in time for me to go back to work.
Long story not so short, I was just trying to survive and I feel like I missed out on a lot of just sweet cuddle moments with my babies. I get mad when I look back because I didn't fully enjoy them as babies like I should have. I just kept thinking, it's not always going to be like this. It will be easier when they are bigger and they can play together and they can move around on their own.
Well, it's not easier, it's just different. And I guarantee you can ask any twin mommy the same question and they will have the same answer.
They are toddlers now. And toddlers have their own minds and can talk and tell me "No!" all day long. They can fight me on changing their clothes or eating or getting out the door to go to school, or getting in the bath tub.
I've given up on pretending to have it all together. It's not possible. Lately, picking them up from school has turned into a disaster. I can't make it out of there without at least one of them screaming the whole way to the car. The main problem is both of them wanting me to carry them and it's just not possible! Connor weighs almost 30 pounds and Chloe is 22, not to mention I can't open doors or get my keys out of my pocket when I'm holding both. So they scream and throw fits and yes, Connor is a big, throw himself on the floor, fit thrower.
 When I finally get them in the car and drive away I usually have a small breakdown with a few tears and just ask them why they do this to momma. They are usually happy the whole way home and point out different things they see out the window. This brightens my mood until the cycle of me carrying them starts all over again when we get home.
When we are out in public, people have a lot of things to say to me about twins and the main one is "Oh, I have always wanted twins because they always have someone to play with!" Well, mine don't like playing with each other. They have their moments of sweetness to each other but they are very rare.
 They don't want the other playing with anything they have even thought about playing with in the last 2 weeks. Connor will rip something out of Chloe's hands or push her down if she is playing with something he thinks is his. And Chloe will scream if Connor gets close to a baby doll. But then they will be sweet and bring each other a binkie or a blanket or a favorite toy. It's the biggest mind game ever for a momma! Connor can throw himself on the floor and throw a big fit for 20 minutes and then come and want to sit in my lap and give me a hug. My emotions are all over the place!
What's weird about all of this is that I'm happy. I'm exhausted and frustrated and have no answers on how to handle these situations and lately there have been lots of tears, but I'm happy. In the end, I have two amazing and smart kids and I know it won't always be like this. It's just temporary, just like them being little won't last forever. So as much as I wish this time will pass, I also try to savor and remember all of the good sweet moments. I guess that's what this blog is for...all of the memories, the good and the bad.



  1. this might be my favorite post of yours :-) it's good to know you're normal like the rest of us. you're doing a great job, momma!