Anticipation

It's killing me. Actually, I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm nervous, excited, but also dreading Monday. I got up this morning and it was the first thing I thought about...that after the weekend is over, I will be getting up and going to the doctor. My appointment for my blood work is at 8:00 and I will probably get the phone call with the results around noon.

I keep having flashbacks to all the other phone calls that delivered the bad news and I try to keep myself from just breaking down at the thought of that happening again. I know that if it's negative, we will just move on with IVF as soon as we can, but it makes me sad because I feel like this negative result will mean failure. That word again. I don't know why it feels that way, it just does. I'm scared to death that if we move on IVF, spend all that money, and then it doesn't work either. Then I'm in big trouble.

So I'm trying to save some work to have to do on Monday morning so I'm not constantly checking my phone every minute to see if I missed the call. I'm going to try to keep myself as busy as possible. And that's another thing, I've been trying to decide if I'm even going to answer the call or just let it go to voicemail and let the nurse break it to me in a message instead of telling me over the phone. That way, if it's negative, I can just start crying instead of having to try to keep it together while I'm on the phone with her. And that way, I can get my cry out of the way and get my list of questions about starting the IVF process, and compose myself well enough to call her back later.

I've had so many mixed feelings the last 2 weeks. Sometimes I feel like "Yes, I just know it worked this time!" And I start looking at the baby stuff in the stores when I'm there to buy something else. And then the other times, I've already started figuring out my IVF schedule and planning for how we will pay for it. My weekend and Labor Day lake plans have all evolved around "Well, if I'm pregnant, I would rather do this..." or "I guess we can just go ahead and do this if I'm not pregnant". It's consumed my every thought (not that it didn't do that already). I feel like this is it...make or break it time...the last straw...