Wednesday, January 18, 2012

12 hours left

12 hours left until I'm a momma!

It still doesn't feel like this is even really happening. I'm anxious and nervous about the c-section part but extremely excited to finally meet these babies that are going to make us a family.

But I'm still worried about how things are going to go. I knew I would never be able to relax until I have these babies in my arms and they are healthy. I think that has to do with the whole infertility and miscarriage. Normally, people decide to get pregnant and they do the normal thing and have no problems and just get pregnant when they are ready or when they decide the perfect birthday is. And then they go through a normal pregnancy for 40 weeks, their water breaks or they are induced and just like that, they have their baby.

But our situation was nothing like that at all. We had to try for 3 1/2 years, experiment with different treatments until something finally worked and then had to go through a miscarriage, which is completely normal for a lot of people, but when you are dealing with infertility and you get pregnant, you feel like all of your problems are over and when a miscarriage happens, you feel like its never going to happen and the feeling of having to start all over again is devastating. And then after the miscarriage we had more problems getting pregnant and then FINALLY, IVF worked and we were so excited. But we went through the first 12 weeks with so much fear that these babies would be taken away from us too.
But each week became more exciting and we started to think that this might actually work for us this time. I was still nervous to start the nursery and buy cribs and actually throw the boxes away because how would we return them if we lost the babies? And even having a shower was nerve racking because I just kept imagining how embarrassing it would be to return all of those gifts if we lost the babies.

Then I was diagnosed with ICP and there was a constant worry that the babies wouldn't make it and I would hold my breath with each ultrasound until I saw heartbeats.
And the of course it had to keep getting worse, right? Preeclampsia which resulted in this hospital stay. But the hospital stay really was for the best and I get to hear the babies' heartbeats 3 times a day so I know they are ok.

So we've made it this far and through all of that, here I sit, 12 hours away from meeting my babies, and I'm still not convinced everything is going to turn out ok. But it's out of my hands and it's almost all over. I'm so excited to be able to see these miracle babies that we've been waiting so long for.

Also, I want to mention something else, for everyone that has come to my blog because of their own infertility struggles and they found me and it made them feel not so alone. I used to do the same thing, so I realize how comforting it is to know someone else has been through the same thing.
I always told David that if I ever got pregnant I would NOT complain on second about my pregnancy. But what have I done? I've complained and I've cried because of the pain. I had no idea how hard it would be to carry 2 babies and the other health problems along the way didn't help either. I swelled up so bad that it's been painful to even get out of bed each night to use the restroom. I've had one baby's head in my cervix for the past month that feels like he's trying to claw his way out every time he moves and I've had another baby dig herself into my ribs making it hard to even sit down. It's hard to not complain about the discomfort. But I can't stand it when I hear someone say "pregnancy sucks!" All of this has just made me realize even more how much of a miracle having a baby really is. And it doesn't suck.
I just keep telling myself that it's not the just the pregnancy we worked so hard for, it's these babies and our family. I probably won't even remember one bit of the pain and discomfort once these babies are here.
So I hope I didn't disappoint anyone or upset anyone with my complaints on this blog, because I truly am the most excited and happy I've ever been in my life. I've looked forward to being a mom for so long and I will never take it for granted.

I will try to update as soon as I can about the babies tomorrow. I have a feeling it's going to be a very long and busy day!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

1 comment:

  1. Tara, I am so excited for you. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.