Wednesday, March 17, 2010

More bad news

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. I had an appointment to go in for a blood pregnancy test to see if the IUI worked. But while I was getting ready in the morning, I started my period. So I knew it was going to be negative before I even took the test. I was automatically in the worst mood ever. The drive to the doctor's office was horrible. Every driver pissed me off and got in my way. I felt like I had smoke coming out of my ears. And then I had to go in the doctor's office and listen to the nurses tell me "Good luck! We'll call you with the results by noon!" I just wanted to shout, "Whatever!"

Then I had to come into work. I didn't feel like seeing anyone, talking to anyone, or even just smiling at anyone. I didn't have the energy to pretend that everything is ok with me because it's not! My boss knows all about what's going on because I obviously have to miss so much work for doctor's appointments all the time. So she came in as soon as I got here to ask how everything went. I had to explain to her that it was just a blood test and that I won't know the results until later. I didn't share that I already started my period. And she says "I just know you're pregnant. You just have that glow! And I knew it when the last girl here was pregnant before she told anyone. I just know you are!" Ummm, ok. That didn't help.

So I get the call that I already knew was coming. And the nurse tells me that this time we are going to try different medicine. The last 2 IUIs were done with me taking Clomid for 5 days and then a trigger shot right before ovulation. This time she said that the doctor wants to do another medicine called Femara for 5 days instead of the Clomid. Then after the 5 days, I would be taking a daily injectable shot of Follistim for 4 days. Then I would come back for my ulstrasound to see how many follicles had developed and determine when I should take the trigger shot. So even though I was extremely upset about the negative results, I did start to get excited about the idea of trying something different.

I cried several times during the day yesterday. I should be used to this by now, but each I still fill like maybe something will be different this time and we will actually get to hear good news. I thought this time that I would actually get to take a pregnancy test and it be positive. But again, the same word just repeats itself over and over in my head, FAILURE.

I read more of my book last night to try to find ways to make myself feel better and to see some good out of the day. And the chapter I had gotten to seemed perfect for what I was going through at that exact moment. The book says "As a woman being treated for infertility, you somehow have to 'expect the worst while hoping for the best.' And that can be incredibly difficult. When you undergo infertility treatment, you have to psyche yourself up so much to endure the medications, to live with the side effects of hormone treatment, to bear the constant blood tests and ultrasounds and injections. You have to get excited about it, because that's the only way you can push yourself to slog through the process. The problem is, when you psyche yourself up like that, when you put so much time and energy into doing a high-tech cycle, you also set yourself up for a huge crash if it fails." This described exactly what I was feeling yesterday. I tried so hard to be positive and not dwell on what would happen if it didn't work this time. I even started looking at baby stuff again and dreaming about nurseries. I knew better than that. That won't happen again. I have made a promise to myself that I will not be involved in any more baby stuff until I get a positive test result.

So that was yesterday. I thought today would be better. Nope, just as bad. I had an appointment this morning for a routine baseline ultrasound to check to make sure that all of my follicles had gone away and that no cysts were left behind. Remember, last time we did the IUI, I had 1 cyst and had to sit out for 2 months while taking birth control to try to get rid of it. Well, my ultrasound shows that I have 4 cysts. Not 1, not 2, but 4!!!!!!! That means that every single one of my follicles that developed this last time did not go away. And more than likely, that means that none of the 4 follicles even released an egg to be fertilized. So, I have to sit out another month while taking birth control and just hope that all 4 cysts are gone by the time my next period starts. And since there are 4 of them, the nurse was going to ask the doctor if she could give me some stronger medication that I would only have to take for 5 days instead of the birth control. I'm waiting to hear back from her about that.

So even though it's very disappointing that the cysts are there, it's the Clomid that's causing them. And remember when I asked the doctor how often does this happen? And she told me that it should only happen 1 out of every 10 times? Well it's happened 2 out of 2 times for me. The doctor wasn't there for me to talk to her about that. I was only dealing with the nurse. But the good news is that when the cysts are gone and we can do the next IUI, I'll be taking different medication and I won't have to take the Clomid. So maybe that will help with that.

This is extremely frustrating and hard to deal with. But there isn't anything I can do about it.

And on top of all of this, some stupid kids decided to ring our door bell at midnight last night and then run away. And then when we got up this morning, we discovered that they had shot paintball guns at our house and we now have blue paint stains on our house and garage! They also rang the door bell on Sunday night and ran away. We are so mad!!! We know where they live though because the idiots were outside this weekend playing with their paintball guns during the day. So David is going over to their house tonight to tell their parents and demand that they clean it up. I mean, WTF?!?! Why would someone do that? Oh, and they pushed over the infamous porta potty across the street.

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